Most of the Dating Advice You Have Read is Dead Wrong - Jonthan Lockwood Huie

Guys are supposed to act confident, buy flowers, tell jokes. Gals are told to hang on his every word, flirt, be coy. Baloney! Why be a pretend you - an imitation you - instead of a real you? As Judy Garland said, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

Why are you dating? If you are dating because you like to go on first dates, then fine - just play the actor or actress - and enjoy an evening of make believe. However, if you are dating because you want someone in your life longer term, stop the play-acting and be yourself.

The role-playing is completely counterproductive for two reasons. First, suppose that you are successful in impressing and attracting your date with your antics. What happens later when you let your guard down and revert to being yourself? You will be unmasked as not being the person your date was attracted to, and revealed as a phony beside.

The even more unfortunate situation occurs when your date is not attracted to your contrived persona, but would have loved the real you. What a huge loss to be on a date with the man or woman of your dreams and never even recognize them or have them recognize you because each of you were so busy play-acting.

What to do:

1. Clear the air. Before your first date, or on your first date at the latest, announce that you are going to relax and be yourself, and invite your date to be himself or herself as well. Some dates won't know what to make of that invitation, but the person you really want in your life will respond with gratitude, and will also relax.

If you are using an on-line dating service, be sure that your profile reflects the real you - without any puffery or distortion of your true qualities. Be proud of who you are, and share your true self. Have the "clear the air" conversation before you meet in person.

2. Choose relaxed places for your first few dates. There are environments that foster play-acting, and there are those that support each of you in being yourself. Choose the latter.

3. Ask for feedback. Dating is often a time for playing the guessing game as well as the play-acting game. Don't guess, ask how your date is feeling, what they want to do or not do. Give your date the same consideration as you would give a good friend.

4. Just remember to relax and be yourself. You will enjoy your date more - and you will create an opening for a wonderful long-term relationship with someone who likes the real you.

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"Hurry up" ranks right up there with "you need to" as a destroyer of our humanity - jlh

"Hurry up" ranks right up there with "you need to" as a destroyer of our humanity.
- jonathan lockwood huie

Why hurry? Why the urgency? What is the worst that could happen if you didn't meet someone's deadline? Is a deadline worth your health and happiness? Consider a gentler, quieter, slower life. Pause to smell the roses, to breathe, to take quiet moments for yourself.

Never Let Anyone Get Your Goat, Push Your Buttons, Get You Riled Up, or Annoy You - 6 Ways to Cope - jlh

Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- jlh

Whether phrased as "push your buttons," "get your goat," "get you riled up," or "annoy you," it's no fun to be on the receiving end. How to cope?

1. Don't take it personally. Even when someone criticizes your actions or demeans your very nature, know that they are merely directing their inner turmoil in your direction. Someone else's opinion of you is mostly irrelevant, and basically none of your business. Don't assume that there is any validity to an accusation. Perhaps there is a valuable lesson buried inside the unkindness that merits objective consideration, but negative emotions are best just quickly discarded.

2. Look to the positive people in your life for support. If you balance many positive and supportive friends against one or two negative influences, it is much easier to cope. If you don't currently have enough positive people in your life, begin a focused effort to add positive people to your inner circle. If you don't have personal connections, search for groups of positive people at MeetUp.com

3. Remove negative people from your life. Yes you can, even if it's your boss. You don't need that job so much that it's worth your health or happiness. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes making a change is important, while other times just knowing that you hold the power to make a different choice is enough.

4. Forgive the offender, not for their sake, but for your own sake. The act of forgiving releases your anger and provides space for rational thinking and action.

5. Be grateful for the wake-up call. Any time that someone or something grabs your attention is a good time to be grateful - even if the message is unpleasant. Something is happening that requires your conscious awareness. Perhaps you have a lesson to learn or an action to take. Perhaps it is time to remove another negative influence from your life.

6. Release any expectations that the unkind person should have acted differently. Life is not fair, and you only cause yourself unhappiness if you hold an expectation that life or any individual should be fair or kind.

Read Stop Anger Before It Stops You - 7 Secrets for more ways to cope with anger.

Anger spells dANGER - jlh

Anger spells dANGER
- jonathan lockwood huie

Anger and Danger are intimately intertwined. An angry person is a dangerous person, whether that person crosses our path or whether the angry person is ourself. To complete the anger/danger cycle, whenever we feel threatened - when we believe we are in danger - we tend to exhibit anger as well as fear. We look for someone to blame for the dangerous situation, and direct our anger toward them.

I Love You Just the Way You Are

Happiness lies in accepting everyone in our lives EXACTLY as they are. We cause ourselves untold misery whenever we believe others to be imperfect and try to change them. This is the number one rule for a happy relationship.

Read my articles on relationships:

The "Spousal We" and 6 Other Ways to Leave Your Lover

How to Know When "Mister Right" is Mister Wrong - 7 Keys to a Great Relationship

Beyond the Grief of Divorce - 7 Steps Toward New Beginnings

Most of the Dating Advice You Have Read is Dead Wrong

A Man’s Guide to Online Dating After Divorce

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is - jonathan lockwood huie

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is
- jonathan lockwood huie

Whenever you say or even think, "This is hard," that task or challenge becomes difficult. Dread it, and it becomes terrifying.

When you choose to move past fear - fear of of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of "looking bad," fear of losing respect - life becomes much lighter, and most any task becomes possible - perhaps even enjoyable. Most any challenge can become an adventure of discovery.

The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow - jonathan lockwood huie

The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow
- jonathan lockwood huie

The crops were planted, tended, and harvested - now the ground lies fallow, awaiting the new planting. Did the year fail? I think not.

As the year has seasons, everything in life has its own cycles - its own rhythms. There will be a Winter, Spring, Summer, and Autumn every year. Every creature will be born, reproduce (or not), and die. A tortoise may live a century and a butterfly a few hours, but each has a cycle.

The unpredictable and irregular happenings of life's cycles are an inherent part of their nature. There are droughts and heat waves, injuries occur. The lion eats the zebra - one is nourished, one dies - neither failed.

Careers and relationships also have their cycles of birth, growth, and death - to be followed by rebirth and the renewal of the cycle.

The ending of a job or a relationship may appear as the darkest night, but it is merely the Winter season - the time of renewal and rebirth that precedes the new planting - the beginning of the next great cycle.